It’s been 13 years since the last outing for the Arthurian legend on the big screen and over 35 years since we had a good one (John Boorman’s ethereal Excalibur) but in contemporary culture, it’s always going to become a poisoned chalice -or should that be grail- of a task.

If you’re taking it seriously, there’s always the risk of running foul of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and giving audiences an open goal to recount that eternally quotable spoof. But mainly because when making a medieval fantasy film these days you need to have at least either the scope of Lord of the Rings or the intrigue of Game of Thrones since anything else will be dashed across the rocks of audiences’ queasiness of the incredulity of elves and dwarves running around CGI-enhanced craggy islands.

So, in a way, it’s quite promising that right from the get-go, Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur: The Legend of the Sword does attempt to bring in both of those key elements from LOTR and GoT… all while trying to make another of his cockney gangster capers.

LOCK, STOCK, AND TWO SMOULDERING DRAGONS

It always seemed like a bad fit to put Guy Ritchie in charge of one of the oldest fantasy epics in the English language. However, the opening segment of KA: LotS gives us the misguided impression he’s going to leave behind his cockney wideboys and actually make a film befitting of the genre as giant elephants and an army of thousands bear down on King Uther’s (Eric Bana) stronghold. The scale and rendering of this sequence borders on impressive and, while it’s certainly no Battle of Helm’s Deep, it’s at least a promising statement of intent from a director whose only forays into action so far have been bare knuckle boxing matches.

King Uther is then betrayed by his brother, Vortigern (Jude Law doing his standard but still effective sneering villain schtick), and sends his young son, Arthur, downriver to escape his evil sibling’s wrath. So far, so epic, with even a (blatant) biblical reference thrown in for good measure. Then, we get the first of MANY montages in which we see young Arthur mature and enrich himself by pickpocketing, pimping, bare-knuckle boxing matches, gaining a cockney accent, and just being a general geezer as he grows into Charlie Hunnam -who still hasn’t quite managed to work how to transfer his charisma from the small screen to the big one.

It seems the ex-Mr. Madonna just cannot help himself and has to drag a fantasy spectacular into his comfort zone, like some jerk who goes to an ethnic restaurant only to insist on ordering burgers and fries. However, while on paper it sounds like no good could come of this approach, it actually very nearly works and KA: LotS is at its most fun when its director does indulge the cast and dialogue in his never-ending obsession.

What’s even stranger, is had the film had a few more chimps on typewriters to turn out a more perceptive script, then there could have been some interesting commentary on how more political fantasy worlds like Game of Thrones probably have more in common with the Kray Twins like a self-anointed King who bases his authority solely on some watery tart giving him a sword. But, such an ill-fitting framing device might have paid off better had KA: LotS shown even a modicum of respect and reverence for its actual source material.

KING ARTHUR AND HIS… MERRY MEN?

Have you wondered why we haven’t heard any buzz about who will be playing Merlin, Lancelot, or Galahad? The simple answer is because those characters are not in KA: LotS and once Arthur pulls the sword from the stone (which is around the 20-minute mark) the rest of the film bears almost no resemblance to any recognizable version of the legend whatsoever.

So instead of the gallant Knights of the Roundtable, we get Arthur’s “mates” called George, Percival, and Bill (the latter played by Aiden Gillen AKA Littlefinger from GoT) and they are entirely indistinguishable and interchangeable with the exception of Djimon Hounsou and Neil Maskell, who both provide far more thespian quality than the film deserves. Likewise, there’s no Guinevere to be seen and Merlin, frustratingly, only gets mentioned by name as he sends along a surrogate in the form of Astrid Berges-Frisbey’s mage, who should take Sterling Archer’s advice and “pick an accent”.

Plotwise, essentially what follows on from Arthur acquiring Excalibur is a straight-forward (or, at least, it should have been) tale of a small band of misfits taking on a tyrannical and false king and is far more reminiscent of a different legendary figure from English folklore, namely a certain Mr. Hood who had a thing for tights and Bryan Adams. This careless mixing of mythology just makes proceedings feel disingenuous and, eventually, comes across as contempt for its source material.

What’s truly galling about the haphazard screenplay is that as the film plows on and inexplicably makes less and less sense as each new scene arrives, it becomes clear that KA: LotS had much bigger ambitions once upon a time.

EXCALI-BLUR

Rumor has it that all of this was originally intended to be a trilogy and, unlike The Hobbit, that isn’t an unreasonable treatment of the King Arthur story. However, ambitions are admirable but results are determined by the execution and KA: LotS doesn’t seem to be able to be adapt to the fact that Warners decreed a pay-as-you-go policy for the project. As such, the film often becomes a slide show of a condensed narrative which regularly uses jump-cut montages in a vain attempt to fill in gaping plot holes.

It doesn’t help that Ritchie has often used this shortcut before to sustain forward momentum. Relying on that here, though, was ill-advised as he fails to understand that in the fantasy genre the devil is in the detail, otherwise, you just get an expensive version of live-action role playing. What’s even more frustrating is that some of the “episodes” that are condensed into these montages look far more interesting than what we see played out in substantial form. In particular, is Arthur’s pilgrimage on an island full of unusually large rodents and wolves that are uncannily evocative of the Dark Souls series (the design team has obviously been “Preparing to Die” frequently since the final big bad in the film’s climax could’ve has been lifted straight from numerous boss fights in the sadistic video games).

So, as KA: LotS peters out to a meek attempt to convince us there’s more to come as Arthur puts together a certain table like it came from IKEA, we can’t help but feel that maybe they should have concentrated on following the 1,000-year-old instructions in how to put this story together then maybe there would be.

VERDICT:

D-

ON SECOND THOUGHT, LET’S NOT GO TO SEE KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD. T’IS A SILLY FILM.